Officially off my hp today. I still contacted by my husband yesterday. Who accusing me to be a slut, poison his family, selfish bitch and so much more. I wonder what did I do to him to deserve all those words? Am not the one who cheat on him, or leave the house to be with another guy, or cheating him or breaking the family. He the one who did all that, and you can’t imagine how hurt it feel….everytime am back home I will imagine they are together having fun on my sofa, my bed, my kitchen….. oh god…. Its terrible. I wish I never heard about that story from the girl’s mother. It’s like a tape keep on repeating in my mind and my eyes. Why he do this to me?!

Before ended up our ‘fire burning’ conversation thru sms yesterday he told me that he will send money for our daughter, after that he planning to take his own life on his birthday. He said he staying at his friends place at ‘kampong’, sleep on the floor with stomach empty since the day before. He said that my life so screw up and he is glad God giving me this kind of life to me. He said that am so selfish and ungrateful after all he did for me.

I love the way I reply to him, but I guess he didn’t get what am trying to say. First off all, after all the things he done with the girl, he never feel sorry. He never say sorry to me, he even use the excuse that I don’t know how to take care of him as a husband and I never care/pampered him. He use that excuse to having an affair outside and cheating on me over and over again? Is that the right thing to do?

Well, seriously….i feel terribly hurt with all his words. Like being stabbed all over my body and he never stop stabbed me. Every stabbed awfully painful. That the main reason I off my phone.

And the girl sms her mother, telling her that am being nice to her just because I want to get all the info about my husband. The mother forward the sms to me. On top of that she telling me that my husband and the girl planning to go oversea together. Am going to be sick………

He said am selfish and ungrateful bitch after all he did for me. Is he trying to tell me that its okay for him to having an affair as long he gave me money, buying things at house? And because of that I shouldn’t chase him out? I should just keep quite and go along with his affair and whatever he wants to do including bringing the girl to the house? Is that the right thing to do? So I can do the same thing? Having an affair, bring guys back home, as long I pay and buying things at home we can act like normal at home? Is that what he meant?

Well, above all, did he knows that money or materialistic is nothing? Because at the end of the day what you did emotionaly that will count. If you read thru my blog, you will notice he did his part to provide money, even that not enough to pay the entire bills we have. But, that OK for me as long I still can support and did my part too. But, did he do his part emotionaly? I guess the only thing he do just destroy it. He thought after buying and pays bills he can get away? He can get whatever he wants? Well, he's wrong. This is the prove. No matter how much money he invest during aur marriage, nothing like the loves. Did he console me when am down or is he there when I need him? or is he cares how I feel about his action or decision or words? Is he did whatever he can to makes our loves within our family grows. But, all he did just to be with his friends all the time, or just by telling me that he needs space or by telling me that he no longer has feeling for me? or by keeping secrets from me? or by keep on lying to me endlessly? I hope one day he know that money and material can't buy loves, not even her own daughter.

Then he questions my duty as a wife. He said i never take care of him. Espeacilly when sick. Well, before this....I used to tell everybody that I have two baby at home. One is my daughter and another one is my husband. And you think I said that just because I want to say it? Of couse not...

He just like a kids. Like a small child, he loves to be feeded. That what we do during our good time. I still remember the last time we did that on last year oct 2008. Still new huh! When watch TV together, he loves to put his head on my lap and I will play with his hair. Hmmm...that not pamper huh? How bout the day that I massage his head or shoulder? Not to mention regular duty like collecting his cloths all over the places, his shoes and socks, wash his cloths, iron his cloths, cook his favorite dishes chicken curry or pork soup/ketchup. Bought the vitamin and make sure he take it till he complaint about the vitamins. Make sure the house clean. Support his hobbies. When he loves the plants, I bought him alot of pots and some vitamins for plants. When he loves fishes, I agreed to swipe my card for the water filter. Even recently when he bought a puppy, I bought alots of tools to clean up the puppy's place, and tools to take care of the dog. I gaves him tips on his hobbies. We talk alot about almost anything. Past, present, future. I did all that even knowing his first affair....

Am tired actually, after works still have to take care alot of things at home. But, I did that because I loves him and I wants us to be connected. But see, what he did in return? And now he telling, i didn't do anything to make him happy or feel good. Didn't take care of him? Didn't pamper him? Didn't know how to make things better? But the truth is I keep on giving....and in return what he did?

And he keep on spending his time with friends until 3 or 4am. He knows am not happy with that and after few days later he suddenly got sick. I cook soup for him. There are times also take off my break time to buy food for him. Told him his lifestyle has make him sick and what he did, that very night he went out again to see his friends again. And this time, I really don't care anymore!

Yes, people will ask, what kind of wife am I till my husband do all this to me? Well, am a wife who still loyal to her husband even the husband never touch her for two years! Am a wife who always believe that my husband could change his destiny and there are bright future waiting for us even when he jobless for two years! Am a wife who stood by my husband when his sibling accusing and blaming him with his 'naughty' behaviour. Am a wife as place to my husband to 'hide' himself when his sibling asking about money. He will said that 'my wife buy that, my wife buy this'. As a wife also his fashion advisor. Am a wife also a person to ask for any legal or informative advice. Am a wife, also for him as house machine, cleaning, washing, tidying, and not to mention a mother to his child. Am a wife and also for him to tell his darkest secret, just to seek for advice later. And finally, am still his wife when I know about his affair, and not to mention 'questionable' relationship with gays during our marriage. What kind of wife am I?!

No matter how hard it is….to face the whole world with these entire problem on my shoulder…. Hope that I still be strong to smile in front of my family, his family and most importantly to my daughter….and yet so far nobody saw me cry. My love is great and am glad all of them for my daughter right now.