I will stop writing this blog anytime soon. I have decided to ended up the whole drama in my marriage. I think it’s time to end it. Let me recap what we have been thru since last three years we been together.

We were introduced in the club by my friend. I wasn't looking for anyone and not interested at him that time. But I gave my number to him anyway. He started to disturb me everyday early morning. I avoid him for awhile because I can feel the trouble if I with him. We seeing each other for few times, but there nothing much happen between us, I try to keep our distance.

But there one day, he calls me and I was on my way back from airport. He told me that he have some family problem and feel lonely and upset. His father chase him out and he have to stay at the hotel. He asks me to come. So, once I send my things at home I went to see him. We spend the day together that day and from there it all started. I enjoy being around him. He knows how to make me happy and he the only guy I dated that time with brain and I thought that he loves me because of me, myself. Nothing else.

But, after quite some time, we have a lot of misunderstanding and fighting with each other. We even tried to leave each other for few times. But, still we will come back to each other arms after that. I never thought that it will lead to something more serious even he always talking about me being his wife.

But there one day, I told him that am going back to my hometown for holiday and he insist want to come to visits me. So I said ok and when he come, I show him around. By end of the day, I was so surprise when he willingly face my entire village and relative all alone and told them that he wants to marry me. He promised that he won’t stop me from supporting or visiting my family. He promised that he will take care and won’t let my family down. I started to look up at him and started to think serious about our relationship.

We started to talk about married and stuff like that. So we decided to get register first. We register on Jan 2006. Still remember that I have to diet like mad for our wedding photo and we both glad on the wedding photo result. Even both our family seems to be pleased to see the wedding photos. We planned to have the honeymoon much later, but I found out am pregnant on March. I wanted a baby so much, so I told him that we suppose to have baby by end of the year. So went to Langkawi for honeymoon and I was on my 3 week pregnancy that time and bleeding so much that time. We still enjoy but limited due to my condition.

Back to KL, we are so busy to prepare for our reception. I was on one month plus on our reception day. I thought that my pregnancy won’t survive since I had bleeding on and off all the time. Even doctor advise to postpone our reception, but I insist to move on. Then, doctor advice us to stop having any intimate to avoid the bleeding going worst. I remember he complaint about it, but still we follow what the doctor advice. On the second trimester of pregnancy the bleed stop and I started to eat a lot. My husband enjoy it so much. He will feed me like a little child.

Then, on the seven month of my pregnancy, my father in law got sick and later found out he have colon cancer. At the same time my sister will come down to KL. She wants to work here while waiting for any opportunity to further her study at local University. Since my father in law house only got two rooms, suggest to my husband we rent a house that near to his parents, so we still have them near us. He agreed at first. So I started looking for the house. I admit that the bad time. I should suggest to postpone it to my sister. But, I thought that we not moving so far. Just 4 block away and like 15min walk to his parents house. He turn to sour and not really spoken to me for almost a week.

When we moved in he told me that ‘I won’t be here all the time with you. I will be with my parents most of the time. I need to take care of them, and you will have to pay for the rent since you want to go out so much’. I didn’t reply a single word. The way he told me really hurt actually for a lady with 7 month old pregnancy. I understand his situation and I agree for any condition. So, he keep on stay here and there for almost a month and I never complaint. Sometime, on my off day, I will go there and spend time with them. I know they started talking about it. That I want to move out, hate his family and all, which is not true. But, since we in different house, I can feel my relationship with my parents in law grows, but relationship with my husband fallen apart.

At first he told me he will spend most of the time with his family, but turn out he spend most of the time with his friends. Only be back at 3 or 4am. Almost everyday like that, and his parents will come to our house complaining that become so difficult to get him. At first, being a good wife I told them that he busy with work (even he already jobless quite some time).

Why his parents too depend on him? I should step back a little. My husband is the only son who living near to his parents and willingly take care of them emotionally and financially. I know my role to support him. When his father diagnosed with colon cancer, my husband step forward volunteer to send him to hospital regularly for medical check up. Then he send his father for major surgery to remove the growth. The surgery success but followed by a lot of complication. I remember my husband complaint about the doctor and the hospital and how they treat his father. I told him to send the father to government hospital, because they have the latest equipment and still cheaper. At least we can save money for his future medical bills. But in return he accuse me being black hated, hate his father and so on. I have to shut my mouth up and let him do whatever he wants to do. Then, not too long after he keep on complaining about that private hospital and thinking of sue them.

While taking care of the father, my husband don’t have much time for himself even me and his daughter. He has to resign from his job with hoping to get another job after his father condition ok. When couldn’t get a job, he started a business with a friend. Just survive for 2 or 3 months then closed up. That the time I deliver our daughter and with his business closed down, he jobless, my mother came down, I have to use all the money I saved and credit card I have to pay for the bills at home and also for my hospitalization for deliver my baby. I also remember I spend so much for my baby. I still have a little of his money that I saved when he still working last time. But, that money only can last for few months.

Then, one day he gave me some good news saying that he was offered to work as manager at the gym and might have some share too. We both happy and he told me that our one month baby bring luck to him. Since the partner his old good buddy, I advised him to be careful because we all know how his characters was. He promised to careful. At the same time I was wondering why he seems to have money all the time even when he jobless manage to open a business. Then, I found there a lot of slip, money transaction from the person named Hans. I asked him about the slip and he told me that he actually the sleeping partner of his business and keep on giving money because thought that the business still on. I believe him.

A month after working at gym he told me that he have to go to Phuket for some work, I help him packed his things and send him with a smile. He call and sms a lot from there. Telling that he missed us a lot. When he back to town we went to celebrate our valentine’s day at town. I never knew it will be our last valentine’s day….

A month later he started to changed. One day he told me that he going to Langkawi for some work. My instinct tells me differently. He even won’t pick the calls everytime I called. Back from Langkawi he totally changed, a different person. He even won’t let me touch him. I really really worried. Then much later I found out he having affair with a girl that I mention earlier in the blog.

They broke up, he came back and I do everything I could to support him. At the same time, he lost his job at the gym. Everything on my shoulder now. But he seems to have money now and then. I found the slip again, I feel weird. But, didn’t ask much. Then he told me that he going to Bali. I puzzled. He not working, no money. How the hell he can go to Bali. He told me he got some work to do there and will bring some money back. Since we need money, I believe him.

When he back to town, few weeks later I found few picture of him with that Guy named Hans. I even found and email. I feel weird….I confront him. He deny any relationship with Hans. They are just friends. Ok, I don’t want to think about it. Maybe he true. So, I focus on working on our marriage by buying books, go online, and seek advice and all.

At the same time thought of open a business. So, I loan almost 40K from bank. I ask him if he wants to join and help. He so happy at first and agreed to help me. But, half way we couldn’t do it. Just not a good time. My father in law getting sick. Been in the hospital for few months and need attention. Then we gave up. I got back my money a little bit more than half. From that money I allocate some money to pay monthly the loan that can survive at least 6 months. Allocate another amount to pay some pending bills, credit card (all 3 credit cards off limit), my parents in laws bills and astro, our own house and my own parents. Lastly a little bit amount for emergency that at least can survive for few months.

Our relationship going up and down. But I can tell we are doing ok. All the things that we fight are normal husband and wife arguing about. About money, about our daughter, about our sibling, relatives, parents and so on….other than that we try to keep our family harmony. But most of all, we will fight about he going out and spend too much time with his friends until morning almost every day. But, I guess he just don’t really care about his family anymore…. Until he meet that little devil.

And now, after three years. Next month suppose to be our third anniversary, but am filing for divorce, and he run away with the girl. Am struggling to plan for the future without him and he struggling to win the whole world for the girl. As I know until now, he ask the girl to make a police report to instruct the mother moved out from the house. They have been here and there happily with my car. Yesterday go collect some expensive belt (i wonder for what and ready to fight for it). The day before yesterday, went to father house and fight to get her passport. Not to mention going in and out police station to report about the mother who abandon her, lodge a report against the father and on and on…. They seems always to have a lot of things to report to police station, and all the time my husband beside the girl and support her. Even yesterday my husband sms me, and told that he at police station. The father lodge a report against him. Ask me to tell that the girl only his friend if anybody called and ask. Can you imagine?

I don’t feel good at home again, every room remind me of them having good time at my couch, my bed, my shower room and anywhere! My husband bring her to home whenever am not around! Her mother show me their picture. Why is god punishing me so greatly? What have my daughter have done to this girl’s family? Why?!

But, I guess…God just want to tell that I have no future with this guy. Too many hurtful and painful things he has done. Too many damages. He even not respects my feeling by bringing my daughter back to the girl’s house and brings the girl’s to my house. Maybe that respects feeling gone long time ago till he has the courage to do all these.

I don't know why, but it feel like half deejavu and half of it my instinct...telling me that I will be married, a year later with a child, a year later seperate and a year later divorce....all this is in my mind all this while. Not only that, I also feel that the perfect partner for my husband would be a very young girl, who a brainless can't even speak for herself, who he can control and will follow whatever he said. Not exactly the same with what my husband with right now, because the current girl is really 'something'.

To make myself feel better, I always telling myself that he with a very bad person / women. Who knows that my husband married with one kid. That my husband using her for his statisfaction and controlling her, talk rude and rough with her. And she with the man before because of the money. She willing to sleep with them on mother benefit. For that am happy, she just 18 years old, no proper education, alot of exposure to sex and very rude, ungrateful child and stubborn than donkey and selfish than anything else in the world. They are so match up. We can see their future together.

God, you as my witness…if my love to him true all this while, I beg God….please show me some miracle. Please show him how much I love him and how much I hurt because of him. Maybe it won’t change anything….but at least he will understand how I felt and stop accusing and hurt me even more with his words, his action and his attitude…Amen.