Its hard to move on

Include today, 4 days he never come home. When he leave on last Wednesday, my daughter having fever and he fought with me to get the car. I keep on telling him "am so sorry, I couldn't do that".

He took cab in the middle of the night. Since then, everyday he will text me and ask how is our daughter and give a bunch of tips to take care of her. Sometime he just text me and tell me that he really miss our daughter. I never call, nor reply to any of his sms. Only once, when I had to ask him about the car service and also about our daughter insurance.

Yesterday he text me again to borrow the car. He called and I never pick up. He gave me 10 missed called. His mother come to visit and that when he called, his mother take the call and force me to talk to him. Still felt angry, I guess...so, talk briefly to him. He sounds nervous and tell me that he tried to reach me since morning and wonder what happen to me when I never pick up the phone. He told me that we was thinking to return home, but since I never pick up the phone the whole day, he thouhgt that I was not at home (or actually he wants to borrow the car,? just couldn't say it?)And today, again he sms me to borrow the car. When I never reply he said ' go to hell then'. There goes my day....all in the dark again.

Sometime I couldn't help but blame myself for all what happen. If am such a good wife, he won't turn away from me. Maybe I never listen enough to him, maybe am not nice enough to him, maybe am not understand his feeling who struggle to find job, loosing father and his sibling turn against him over his father property.

But, whatever it is, I find it very hard for me to trust him again, and my fragile feeling keep on telling 'he hurt me so much when he said he have no feeling to me anymore'. I can't forget what he did to me just to make himself 'happy'. I try to live for myself at the moment. Try to make myself happy. Do all the things that I wanted to do for so long. Good thing he not at home for the moment. At least I can focus to myself (watch movies that I loves, read any books, shopping for myself, etc). At the end of the day, when there nothing else to do, I will sit alone on the bed and can't help myself but flash back our good memory together, followed by the imagination what happiest moment he had right now in Other Person's arms, and totally forgot he has a wife and kid left alone at home, and then I will cry,secretly between the sheets.