He was out the whole day on Sunday. I was so worry that he will not return back the car. But he came back anyway, as usual very late.

The day before yesterday, I was playing with my daughter when she found a piece of paper and show me. It wrote "thanks for saying I came from f**k up family, at least u still have some one. Anyway, love you". It still hurt...can't believe it, I want to cry, but I couldn't and the painful feeling almost unbearable. I wonder, how much more he will hurt me, and whether I can't handle it in the future. That piece of paper certainly not for me. Either for him or from him (unsend). Can you believe I forgot his handwriting!

I try to call him, but the whole night he offs his phone. Lucky he off, otherwise he have to deal with my anger, madness and disappointment expression. Early next morning he sent sms and saying that he on his way home. I ask him to be hurry as am late to work. More than an hour later he reach home. Instead of ready to go to work, I packed Darlene's and my cloths. I told him we will leaving to my hometown. He got shocked. I borrow his phone to make phone call to the Air line, at the same time checking if there any suspicious sms or number. But apparently he deleted all ( i guess). And lucky for me the credit finish and I couldn't book the ticket.

He asks me why suddenly want to go back to hometown. Told him that am alone here and struggle all alone with my daughter. Back at my hometown, I still have relatives that willing to help me in any way. Told him, I will come back to arrange our D and our belonging in the house. Then, he ask me is this what I want. I told him that this is what HE wants. I told him that with his quite attitude, never said anything about our situation, about where am I, about our marriage and other than that always been out with ‘FRIENDS’, and saying he need space or so…..all of that giving me signs that I should move on with my own lives. Then he suddenly said ‘then you just keep quiet?, like a stone, being not initiative?’. I wonder whether he should take a look at my blog. Anyway, I didn’t really ask him about the little notes. But, I ask him either he has someone waiting for him, and he swore on our daughter that he don’t have any and I still couldn’t believe that. I really don’t want to fight and just leave it there. I know if we talk further we will fight. I told him just forget about it and just get ready to send us to airport, then suddenly heavy rain started. I stare to the rain blankly and heard he said ‘see, God also don’t want you to go’. I don’t know what to say or how to react. I just went to the kitchen and prepare breakfast for my daughter and he quite surprise when I told him I cooked curry. He went to kitchen and helps himself with the food that I cooked earlier. I couldn’t wait for the rain to stop, went out anyway. After send my daughter to MIL , he sent me to work. Then off he go to order the cabinet for his mother as promised. Finally.

Back home quite late, and I ask for his favor to fetch my daughter. Which he did. After send her home, he said that he going out and will be back later. I ask ‘when? Tomorrow?’. He said ‘no, shortly’. Then he told me that yesterday he went to his friend house and sleep there. I told him that he should introduce me with his friends and his reply is ‘don’t embarrass me with your checking calls’. I told him to introduce not calls and he said he will introduce later. Which is very hard for me to believe too. I told him that I already booked the ticket and his reaction is ‘my god….’ That all. I ask him to pay me back ( I know I pulling his leg). But all he ask is ‘how much’ following by ‘ok’.

Day by day with him is really like living in the roller coaster. Wish there will be the end for all this. I think, am tired. Feel like endless game. And every time doesn’t matter whose win, I will feel pain. Is that because I love him so much that he hurt me badly with all his action and words? Then, I shouldn’t get hurt by now….but why there still pain? And most of all, why he never care about my feeling? At least for the sake of old good time we had before? For the sake that am the mother of his child? For the sake the loyalty, the youth, the blood, and all the things that I willing to do for him before? I guess he too ‘sick’ to look at those right now.

I shouldn’t think about him right now. Should focus on my daughter, my work and my other things. There are millions thing to do.