But Am Still Confuse!

He really take my words before seriously and never call and text me anymore. There one time he text and we still arguing. This time not about car, but our daughter. I mad at him because he suddenly appeared in front of the door and insist to see my daughter and I gave them space to see each other. 15 minutes later he suddenly gone without any words just left some money and my daughter crying like mad looking for him. When I called him and ask him why he do that, he told me that ‘he felt not comfortable seeing my daughter since I didn’t show my face to him at all and when I do, I show my sour face’. I quite surprise actually because I thought he wants to see my daughter, never thought that he still want to see my face!

I started to focus on my own instead of him. I feeling touched every time my daughter look for her father and I can't deny that I've felt something every time I saw my daughter's face when her father come to visit. But, on the same time I still working on our separation papers with my A. Still talking about it when have chances (told him that I need his current address and his opinion on the separation), and every time the answer will be the same ("I will let you know later"). At the same time am going out with friends and some new guys. I think my husband knew about it and never said anything about it.

Recently am going to website where people talking and discuss about divorce. People been talking about their experience going thru the divorce or separation with their spouse. Deal with law and life afterwards. The anger, the disappointment and the impact to everybody that close to them and most importantly to their kids, who suffering the most. I suddenly realize that, even though we win in court on the divorce or separation somehow we still lose something and we gonna have to deal with it for the rest of our life.

A simple example is, look at my situation. Everybody, regardless they know or don’t know who am I and my husband is, they will encourage us to proceed with D or S. Because we just get married 3 years and our daughter still small, just 2 years old. Beside he is unfaithful husband and a lot of issues on his own.

Then, I started to think. Even if I won, I will still have to pay his debt. Ok maybe I don’t mind as long can get away from him. But, how about my daughter. My husband seems can’t let her go. So far he proves that our daughter his priority and make sure he will send some money for her expenses. And my daughter seem to missed him a lot. Either of above I can handle, but to think that I still have to face him whether I like it or not, to think that I still have to call him whether I like it or not, and for the rest of my life, for the sake of our daughter makes me feel sick. I can’t separate her from my husband, it will be cruel to her. Even if I do that, her father won’t allow and I will become ‘the bad person’ in the eyes of his family (which matters for me). I still need their support since my family is far away. I have nobody here. Since we having problem his family support me in every way they could and I really appreciate that.

As for my husband he had been living like a nomad person since I pack his cloths. Half of his cloths still at home in the cupboard (he bring it last time before we argue about passport) and another half in the car’s booths and it still there till now and I don’t know what to do with it. He also never mentioned about it. He only has a bag pack with him with few shirts and maybe two pair of jeans. He bringing this bag pack here and there.

Now come back to usual, he will come home saying he wants to see our daughter but will be at home for 2 or three days before he went off again. Sometime I see his back pack when he visiting, sometime I did not. If he around, he will see my daughter for awhile then go to meet his friends till late night or until early morning. Then come back and sleep in the other room. My instinct told me that he staying with his girlfriends but I don’t have any evidence and I stop checking on him now, that I don’t know what his status is. But, I don’t have any anger to him anymore, I feel sad the way he live and what he do to himself. I don’t know if he already eat or where he spend his time the whole night ( I know he try to avoid me). I did offer some of my cooks but he always refuse, but he still ask me to do his laundry! Usually he loves his mom’s cook and always visit her to have dinner or lunch, but now, he just drop my daughter and hurrying go out from the house. I do remember he told me that, he couldn’t see his family in the eyes anymore, and I also do remember that he told me that he sleeping at his friends’ house on the carpet without pillow or blanket. I just, not sure how sincere and how much the truth in it, since he lacking of that value in him before.

We didn’t talk much, we talk only important things. And now, when talking we did not fight or argue each other and I stop raise on separation and divorce issues since I read the website. Now am thinking whether to go on with our S/D.