Try to heal myself

I know it won't be easy for everyone of us. But I thought of S/D. It's quite scary word for me. That will mean, lonely at nights, raise my child alone, struggle financially, cope with everything all alone.

I can't help it but felt like a loser. I can't fight for my marriage. I can't fight for my husband. Yea...would like too, for the sake of our daughter,it just... I don't know him anymore. My feeling also gone, sadly. Our memory together fade away slowly. What is there to fight? Maybe it's time for me to gave up and move on.

Already told my lawyer to proceed with D papers. I never ask her about the paper status. Let her take her own sweet time. Nothing to be hurry. We will seperate anyway, no matter how long it takes.

As for him, he turn to the completely stranger to me. I can't imagine myself hold him or touch him. I can't imagine myself to be with him anymore. So ironic....last time we can't even get our hands off each other. We enjoy every minutes with each other. Explore each other passion and our whole new world together. But now everything totally changed.

But, for the sake of peaceful, i try to be nice to him :-). and I can tell that he try to be nice to me too. I have no idea at all what he has in his mind. Buying things, expensive thing for the house. But come back only once or twice a week. Keep on giving money, pay bills. All of these leaving me no excuses to apply for divorce, but of course, we don't have any intimate relationship, and that the only reason I have right now.

Keep your finger cross for me girls. It won't be easy, but hopefully I will still standing till the last.