I purchase a ‘saving marriage e-book’ yesterday. When convert to Malaysian ringgit, it would be hundred over. The expensive e-book I’ve ever purchased! But, actually I don’t really sure why am I purchasing the book?
Maybe am confuse not sure what to do. My husband involve in an affair with a very young and psycho girl. The affair has been going for 2 months before I found out. A month during his affair, we have big fight at 3am early morning. He decided to separate with me and baby that time. I was so stunned and shocked. Come back to bed with blank eyes and my mind so empty. He said he want to be alone and prefer to be like that. He has decided and no turning back, there’s nothing I can do to change his decision and he seem so relax after saying that. He also keeps saying that there’s no other women involve and he swear upon his parents’ life. I believe him.
A month after that, I living in limbo and jumbo life with him, he make me more confuse. Still come back home every night, but of course very late every night. Still wearing our wedding ring. Still expecting me to do his laundry, still expecting me to cook for him, still giving me pocket money. But, still I don’t dare question all his action. I even do everthing my friends ask me to do in order to get my marriage back and of course his attention back. I beg him, I cry in front of his eyes, I drunked myself, almost get my baby hurt (she falling down from bed), but nothing works. I cry every night until I get tired, pray every night and beg for GOD’s miracles. Still nothing works.
My emotion up and down like roller costar. One time I just want to ignore everthing and focus to my daughther, but immediately focus change again to him, then that’s the time I played detective game. Checked on his jean’s pocket, I found theater ticket for two person quite often. Checking on his wallet found a love note from a women! I got shocked! He said he don’t have any women outside?! I open his travel bag only to find out a train ticket to holiday spot at Langkawi Island with a women name (during our 1st wedding anniversary). When I ask about that he denied and keep saying that the person is a GUY and his old friend. Tired of arguing, I just keep quite. But deep inside, am sure he has affair outside. Our relationship better, less fighting and we still can talk like close friends. But still sleeping separately (almost two months sleeping at couch). Make me even more confuse and inspired to check on his mobile. He never let me touch his mobile, but one day on really heavy rainy day outside at 3am in the morning, when he in deep sleep, maybe he forgot to turn off his mobile…I sneak out from the room and finally got his mobile. When open the sms inbox, his inbox full of romantic and loving words from the other girl with the same name that I found out on the train ticket. I can feel my body shaking and my head feels very light. I can see my hand while holding the mobile phone shaking very hard too!
I took the girls number and everthing that I need to take. I couldn’t sleep. Waiting for the girl to switch on his mobile too (his phone running out of battery that day). Once I found out she switch on, early in the morning I call her and hear her small voice. My voice shaking but I manage to send her massage that the person her dating currently a husband and a father of 6 months old baby. She couldn’t believe me and because of that we agreed to meeting on the same day. I bring along my baby. At least I got something really big to show her. She seems so naïve ( just 19 years old girl going to 20 yrs) and polite too. Sometime blur…no wonder my husband falls for her. I can tell she from a rich family, well dress and grommed with a car on her own and still studying at private expensive college at Sunway. She definitely agreed when I suggest to call and confront my husband. He must be suspecting when received an sms form her coz he checking on me first before agreed to meet her. Once he reach at our meeting point, he so shocked and turn around to run away from us! But we manage to catch him back and talk to us. During that really awkward moment, he just keep saying “I don’t want this both relationship” and ask me and what am gonna do next. I just keep quite. The rest of the day is like ‘catch me, chase me’ kind off game. He chasing after a girl. The girl catch me back (for some reason that am not realize that time), I chase and catch both of them….very tiring day. But, still before wrapping myself under the blanket at the end of the day in our bedroom I cry looking down to my daughter, cold and alone….
Next few weeks, I still in the roller coster mood. I have all my friends support me emotionally and some of guys friends look at this moment as their moment (take advantage of my situation and emotion for their benefits or their need). Lucky or maybe because of the baby I still can think straight and rational. Inside of my mind I want to get back to my husband and just ‘do’ with every each one of them. But I know, that will make the situation worse. And I refuse to do anything right now, because I know that I just upset and angry. I try to hold tight on myself and again my friends (true females friends around me and giving their best support). Million thanks to them.
Deep inside myself keep on saying ‘this is too early for you to make any decision…just go with the flow. Follow his game and pray hard to God” “he is confuse and struggling himself by now…” and that what exactly I did. Pray for his strength and forgiveness to my husband behavior and also for my daughter’s father to be stick with this little family. He is improving at that moment. Less fighting, but still going out don’t know with whom…since I tell the girl I want to try again with my husband, she try not to contact my husband and seeing him. I believe her. So, when she ask me to delete her number from his mobile, blindly I just follow his instruction ( I really really hate myself when thinking of that). I’ve deleted not only her number but also all the sms in the inbox. Knowing that he will be mad at me I just go out, take the car drive nowhere and sit alone at Mc Donald (with limited thinking capabilities at the moment that the only place in my mind)…. thinking back what I’ve done and cry again and people start looking at me.
Before I delete the number and all the sms, I sms that girl from my husband mobile’s, asking her to stop sms and calling him otherwise he will get her number again (see…how silly I am?!) But, weird I got reply from the girl’s big sister announced to all the girl’s friend that she is now admitted in the hospital. I got shocked and ask which hospital. I the got the reply that smash me back ‘why do u care when u ask to stop sms and calling you?!’. I try to call and see if I can talk with the person who sending such a sms, but she not picking up the phone. Instead, my husband mobile keep on receiving sms from her saying that my husband not responsible, cruel and so much more. I try to tell her that it’s her wish to delete the number from my husband mobile. And she reply back ‘tell that to her yourself when she is ok later”. Slowly I understand that I am in the middle of BIG STUPID game of her. Thinking of that, I realize that my husband in a deep shit (this is not the first time she doing that to my husband – I found out that from my detective played role before). The girl could be manipulating him and using her power of love to get into his skin. And again what so ever…I still the victim of both of them. Hate IT!
I thought my husband would explode when I came back that evening, but he looks so calm and smiling. Really confusing. Just at the afternoon he was threatening me with so much hurtful word from his sms. Hmm…maybe because I was in the accident earlier…? well, that another one more story later….
It just the beginning
11 years ago
